Friday, November 2, 2012

Chronicles (Rantings) of a Chronically Ill Momma

I wake up and feeling slightly better than usual.  I decide that I can conquer the world.  And so I do.  For two or three days I go full force, living the life I want to live, fitting in all the things that I want to do that I'm unable to do when I physically can't.  And then I awaken one morning in pain, feeling fatigued beyond comprehension, and I pay for the previous days activities for the next several days.

That's where I am today... for the second day.

In bed.

I have run and chauffeured all over tarnation for the past few days and now I'm paying the price.

I am blessed with a husband that is understanding of the havoc Fibromyalgia wreaks on me.  He knows that I want to LIVE LIFE full speed ahead.  He knows my heart and understands how depressing it is for me when I am limited by what I can do.  But beyond him, very few people understand.

People think I'm not dependable.  I'm considered as lazy and unreliable.

Friends and family are left disappointed in me.

And it breaks my heart.

I admire those with Fibromyalgia who live normal lives.  They work forty hours a week, attend all expected social functions, cook and clean, volunteer, and still have time for friends and family.  They carry on despite the pain and fatigue.

To do anything I do on any day is to push through and do it anyway, but when I've done everything I can for as long as I can, I crash and I burn.  And it ain't a pretty sight.

I long to return to the workforce.  My family needs my contribution.  And yet how could I work a forty hour week when I can't go a full two days doing normal activities.

I'd hoped the weight loss would help spark more energy.  While it definitely helps not carrying around an extra fifty pounds, I still hurt and ache.  I'm still drowsy after being up for just a few hours.

To say I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired is an understatement.

I want to live life.

I don't want to spend another day in bed.

I want to enjoy my children while they are young and want me to be part of their lives.

I want to do what people expect of me.

I want to know what a day without pain is like.

I want to know what it is like to feel rested.

I want to have a career.

I want a normal life.

I want to live.

(Tune in next time for my normal, cheerful, non-self-pitying post!)