I remember the loneliness I felt at times when I craved to have a baby and pregnancy was not within reach. Doctors speculated that I wouldn't carry another child. I remember the distinct pain of rejection every time a pregnancy test read negative.
I'll never forget miscarrying a child at six weeks and another at fourteen weeks. Upon awaking after surgery after the loss of one, I cried for hours saying, "I want my baby. I want my baby." I spoke those words over and over again. I can still hear my voice and the desperation in which the words were spoken in my mind seven years later. It was if I thought if I repeated it enough, the loss would not be true. It would have all been a bad dream, and I'd still be carrying the source of my joy. But it was true - she was gone. For weeks after each loss, I laid on the couch staring at the ceiling completely inconsolable.
In retrospect I guess it is all a bit uncanny. I'd never planned to be a mother. Not that I didn't want children, but rather I'd never put myself in the position to wonder what it would be like. During my first pregnancy I remember thinking I was too selfish to have a child. My world revolved around me, and I wasn't sure how I'd take a baby changing all that. I asked my mother, "What if I don't love 'it' as much as I love my dog?" Pretty funny stuff, but I never figured I'd be good enough to be a mom.
But then something amazing happened. Dacey was born. Every preconceived notion of what I thought motherhood would be diminished over night. She wrapped her hand around my finger and I became hers. There was no going back. Thank God, there was no going back. I would never want to.
God has blessed us with three more beautiful children since then. Each one of them is so different from the other, so unique, so full of their own individual personality - I love them each so completely, unconditionally - beyond all logical explanation.
My children are my life and in me they have: a cheerleader, a coach, a teacher, a provider, a protector, and a defender. I want the best for them. I encourage them in all they do. I give them all they need. And nothing can cause more emotional turmoil in mere moments than the idea of someone or something threatening my children.
So it is with a dumb-founded, bewilderment that I question the verdict in the Casey Anthony trial. How could any mother have such a complete and utter disregard for their own child's life? How could any mother suffer the horror of an "accident" claiming the life of their child and move on as though the child never existed? There are so many questions that will never be answered and most of us feel that justice for Caylee has not been obtained.
Along with millions of others across the country, we have turned our porch light on for Caylee. It won't bring her back. It won't change the verdict. But it helps to know that others remember this child and love her in a way that her mother never did.
One day Casey Anthony will stand before THE JUDGE and be sentenced for her crimes. She will not be able to lie her way through it because the truth will be known.
I think Mike Donehey of Tenth Avenue North put it best - "One day, God will pour out justice on Casey Anthony. Or- Christ will bear it for her. And so it is with all of us. Something in us longs for justice. Something in us longs for grace. Only at the cross are both preserved and displayed perfectly."
May God have mercy on us all.